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The Robin and the Chipmunk

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May 13, 2012

Sometimes my blog posts come from what I am thinking about or what is coming through my office.  This one is another one that came because of something I observed.

A few weeks ago, I noticed a nest built on the top of my gas meter, just behind a plethora of day lilies.  I watched that nest over the next few days to see if I could figure out what variety of bird had chosen my property as “home.”  And then those blue eggs appeared – Robin’s egg blue, to be exact.  Four tiny little egg shapes being watched over and sat on by a feisty daddy bird.

I enter my home on the same side of the house as the nest.  After the first few days I found that Daddy Bird would let me go in or go out quickly without an attack.  If I took any other steps toward the nest, that bird would fly right toward me – even though I was not danger to the nest.

Tonight I was out weeding the flower beds in the front of the house.  I wondered if the robin would be upset by my presence.  The first few minutes, I was unsure.  Daddy Bird was on the ground at the end of the day lilies looking me over pretty hard.  I did my best to stay still and not get any closer.  Once when I looked up, I saw a chipmunk peeking out of the day lilies.  I knew that I no longer was the danger Daddy Bird was concerned about.

Daddy Bird tried several times to get the chipmunk to leave, but it would just go back to wherever it was hiding in the flowers.  The robin started making clicking noises that I never heard before from a bird.  He did it a few times.  The next time I looked up, Momma Robin was there as well – colored similarly as Daddy Robin, but muted.  And then in happened.  The chipmunk came out of the bushes enough for one of the birds to be behind it.

The chase started at a speed I have never seen a chipmunk run before.  I know they are quick, but this was an insane pace.  The birds flew low to the ground, right behind that little rodent – down the sidewalk, across the street, through the bushes, back around that yard and down the block.

And then I wondered,  do human parents work that hard to keep danger out of the reach of their children?  It’s easy for some of us to get busy and not completely pay attention to what comes into the lives of our children, consider the consequences, and make a decision if that thing can stay.  I am grateful for the parents I know that work hard to do this to protect their children from things that may look innocent at first.  If you are one of those parents, thank you.  If you are not, perhaps this can remind you to think hard about the things in the lives of your children that may harm them in the future.

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Resiliency

Filed under: Child Diagnosis, Parenting Skill — 1 Comment
April 25, 2012

One cliche that gets parents through the darkest times that their children have to go through is the idea that they are resilient.  Children are resilient, but a quote I came across in a book made me stop and think, and I wanted to share the concept with you.  In “The Truth About Children and Divorce:  Dealing With the  Emotions So You and Your Children Can Thrive”  the author Robert E. Emery, Ph.D. writes about a study he was doing with a partner of college students whose parents had divorced at least 5 years prior said,

“The wondering, worry, painful memories, and insecurity these young people reported in our study confirmed what Lisa and I had observed from both our clinical work and our personal experiences.  True, pain is not pathology.  Grief is not a mental health disorder.  But it is also true that resiliency is not invulnerability.  The pain was real, and it lingered.  Their resilience grew around that pain, not in the absence of it.”

I read that statement and it really resonated with the things I have seen in children.  There are very difficult things that some children have to endure.  Some children endure ongoing abuse, some experience divorce, some bullying, some death,  some  mental health issues of themselves or their parent.  All of those events would cause pain in the life of the child all in a different way.  And regardless of the child’s ability to endure or grow through the difficult situation, they still are affected.  And in time, the child will return to their resilient self.

We can all depend upon the resiliency of our children, but let’s not forget that they still have effects that we can help them with with out empathy and our words.  And probably a hug or two.

 

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Abused Children

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April 21, 2012

One of the hardest group of people for me to work with is abused children.  They are not hard because of what symptoms they come in with, but because someone has chosen to hurt them in a significant way.  In fact most of the people who are making those choices are people known to the child, often a family member.

I hear people already asking the question about choice.  Yes, it is a choice.  All of our behavior is a choice.  Some of those choices are so ingrained in us they no longer feel like choices, but they still are.  There are many other things that can be done other than hurt a child.

Children addressing their abuse have to work hard to feel the feelings that the abuse caused – lots of times anger, anxiety, depression, or other emotions, rebuild what is now broken trust, and reengage with the world around them.  Sometimes that can take place in childhood, and many times those things are not addressed until adulthood.

Abuse becomes a very difficult subject because there are many kinds, and there are many effects.  Abuse most often occurs in the home, and it is hard to treat the child without affecting the home, which is where the abuser often still is.  There are many situations that can making treating abused children very difficult.

And yet, the most important and effective treatment is just to be believed.

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For the Teenagers (and the rest of us)

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April 13, 2012

In writing, there is doing it yourself, and there is just acknowledging that someone else does it better than you.  This is one of those days.  Through a good friend of mine and her Facebook account, I have stumbled across these marvelous lists of things that should be told to teenage girls and boys on a blog by Kate Conner.  I have no idea who she is, but I like these posts a lot!

For teenage girls: click here

For teenage boys: click here

And just for good measure, another for the boys: click here

Parents, if you are the one reading this, go ahead and print the list.  Leave it for your teen to see.  I call it “creative littering.”   It just might give legitimacy to what you have been telling them all this time.

 

And, for the record, I really like point 7b.

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Put it down, NOW!

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April 7, 2012

I treated myself to lunch out today.  When I was growing up, getting to go out to eat was a luxury, so it’s still a little special to me.  What I didn’t know is that by going to lunch, I was going to get a blog post.

I had ordered, and was patiently waiting for my food, when at a table across from me appeared a mom and a son.  Dad showed up with drinks shortly after.  They looked at each other.  And then it happened.  Or, maybe nothing happened.  No one said a word.

You see,  Mom and Dad both pulled out their smart phones and started looking at them, touching the screens.  Dad took a picture of mom’s shoe with his phone, and they both went back to being immersed in whatever was on the screens before them.

I looked at the table again.  There was a boy, about 10 years old, eating at a restaurant with his parents, sitting there completely silent.  I wondered what it was like to be him.   I wondered what it was like to have parents who were more engrossed in technology than in their child.  I was tempted to engage the boy in conversation, but I knew that would be a little weird.

As I finished my meal, I noticed that Mom did ask a question or two during lunch, but the questions were answered with a nod or a shake of the head from the boy.  My heart broke for that family, that child.  It was obvious that  this was not the first time this happened.  That boy knew to let his parents be on their phones.  He just sat staring at the table.

So parents, in light of the fact that the studies say that social networking is more addictive than nicotine or alcohol, (click here) please be willing to discipline yourselves to using social networking or the internet only as necessary.  Especially when your children are around.  Unless, of course, that is the lesson that you want to teach them. It’s hard for our kids to learn something when we are not willing to help them learn.

So, use and enjoy technology for what it can be, but please don’t use it to let you avoid things, especially your child.

 

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Tyranny of the Urgent

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April 5, 2012

A-a-a-a-a-and, I’m back

My apologies, dear readers, on the slump the blog has been in.  Sometimes, there are things that need to get done first.  The same is true of parenting.  There are times when the urgent things squeeze out the important ones.  So, dear reader, know that there has been some upheaval around me, but I’m back and ready to blog again.

The title of my post today is an actual article name, written in 1967.  It was written by a pastor who was struggling with some of the same things that we all struggle with – how in the world to not only get the important things done, but also the day by day things that keep us from the important things.  (Haven’t ever read the article?  Here’s a link. )

So, how do you get all those important things done?  Most of it is by planning.  Taking a calendar and putting the most important things in – date nights, focused time with kids, exercise, other things that help breathe life back into everyone.  THEN and only then, you can add in the other things.  It helps to make sure the things you want to be doing actually get done.  And you can only opt out of your important things for sickness, emergency or other really really good reason.  Help yourself and your family to be doing the best things.

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The World Called Divorce

Filed under: Child Diagnosis — 2 Comments
March 20, 2012

Although divorce is not a diagnosis in itself, it is a situation where many children can develop a diagnosis.  There are lots of children with adjustment disorders, some form of depression, or some form of anxiety as their parents separate their lives.

Now before you jump all over me, not all children develop any kind of disorder just because their parents divorce.  Some sail through with good parents who continue to be good parents and cooperate during and after the divorce.  This is the best situation, if divorce is necessary.  But there are some children who get so affected by the choices of their parents (in choosing the divorce OR what led to the divorce) that a visit or two to a counselor is necessary.

Stability, attention, and consistency are the three things that children need the most during and after a divorce.  Stability is the ability to keep things the same for the children.  Stability can come in the same amount of money in the homes, the same kinds of rules, the same kind of care from their parents and the same kind of schedule.  Sometimes one or more of those things have to change, but the more that life is the same over time, the more comfortable children will be.  Giving your kids attention, especially to the unusual emotions that divorce can bring can help children so much.  There is so much to process and so much change, that the more time you can spend talking with your kids finding out their perspective, the better they can do.  As a newly divorced person, there are so many more things that can take your attention.  But make sure that you keep your kids on the top of the list!  Consistency is the other quality that can help children come to terms with the divorce of their parents.  If both mom and dad are consistent with rules, expectations, lifestyle  and schedule, they can create for their children two homes that help them feel secure.

There is one more thing that can help children cope well with a parent’s divorce.  If mom and dad can transition the children the fewest times a week as possible, they can get comfortable with the consistency and security of each home.

Sometimes it is not possible to make all those things happen.  Do your best to get most of them, and work toward getting the rest.  One day at a time, doing your best – it’s what we expect of our kids, too!

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Game Night Anyone?

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March 11, 2012

Need an idea just for fun?  I had the opportunity to watch three Jenga games going on at the same time in the same room.  Thankfully, we had one game that had different colored blocks, so we knew where some of the pieces went when things went crashing down.  The board game companies have promoted having a game night for a long time so you purchase more of their games, but grab something you have at home and play it again.

Kids learn so many things playing games:  taking turns, becoming a “good loser,” winning while being kind to those who don’t, and a plethora of other things.  I know that some times that there are moments of learning that are difficult.  Tantrums are thrown, fights break out and other things that mom or dad need to mediate and/or teach about.  Those are tough moments that give kids an opportunity to do things better than the last time.  If they do, please make sure to compliment and praise them for their growth.  So, as the commercial says, “Have a game night,” and see what you can learn to do together, even it it’s just an opportunity to laugh together.

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The Name Game

Filed under: Parenting Skill — 2 Comments
March 8, 2012

It can be so difficult to curb children from calling each other names.  Even without trying, they seem to learn this way of attacking each other.  It can also be disheartening when your two (or more) children attack each other – when you love them all so much.  So, what’s a parent to do?  Well here’s a thought, what if you made a new rule that every time someone gets called a nasty name, that person must then find two (or three, four if they are teenagers, maybe) good things about that child.  And, they have to be genuine and true.

In college, I had a friend who did this for all her friends.  If one of us said something negative about ourselves, she requested 10 (yes TEN) good qualities to be recited in order to cover our negative comment.  Other than it being hard sometimes to come up with ten, if you started to just grab for anything to say, she would require more and more qualities.  I remember several times when she was driving that she would pull over so someone would finish their list before we carried on to our destination.  She had such a good impact on all of us.  Most of us learned to curb our comments or just keep them to ourselves!

It is easy to say all kinds of harsh things about each other, but to build one another up requires practice.   Thankfully, we can all start today and  build this skill for all of us!

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Adjustment Disorder

Filed under: Child Diagnosis — 2 Comments
March 6, 2012

An adjustment disorder is one of the most common disorder in children.  Adults can be diagnosed with an Adjustment Disorder just as easily as children can.  What qualifies someone to have an adjustment?  (drum roll please) Anything you are adjusting to.  That could be a new school year, a new baby, a new person living in the house, a move, a parents divorce, a death, financial changes, etc.

Most people adjust to these events without any kind of emotional reaction.  Expected changes most often are related with easy adjustment.  But there are other times:  when the change was unexpected, when the change brings something perceived to be negative, or when that change brings about a loss.  These types of changes can bring about a change in mood or behavior.

There are five different categories within Adjustment Disorders.  There is an adjustment disorder with depression, with anxiety, with a mix of anxiety and depression, with a mix of mood issues and behavior change, and one category marked unspecified, in case the disorder is a mix of mood and behavior that isn’t better described by one of the above categories.

Adjustment disorders often come to resolution within 6 months.  If it is longer than six months, it is likely that the change in the child is due to something other than an adjustment.  Most of the reactions within adjustments are able to be handled by healthy, loving parents who help their children express their feelings and thoughts.  When more serious symptoms occur that are beyond the expertise of mom or dad, it can be time to make an appointment with a counselor.  They can give you and your child another place to work to resolve the issues with the adjustment.

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